Young Writers Society

Because I wanted to...,


The gender-swapping pronouns seem random and undefined in S1 and S2, and while I get a pretty good idea of what's going on, I think you should either elaborate or cut one of the strophes.

S3 seems paradoxical when what you intended was insightful--how is something too gentle yet too cold? You have two options to resolve the illogic: either find better words, or elaborate on what it means to be "too gentle" and "too cold," and how the two can coexist.

S4 suffers the same fate, and should be cut away entirely.

S5 gives me the impression that the addressed person (the "Stubborn Lover") isn't even a real person but rather a figment of your imagination, a painting, a collision of paper and paint.

The reason I bring all these points to light is because poetry must give the readers a sense of setting, a sense of purpose (done by giving your piece an audience, by writing with a certain audience in mind), and while your does, to some extent, establish an audience--namely, the loved one--it fails to give us a setting. Where are we to find the loved one too gentle for man and too cold for woman--in a painting that appears in the last line? Why did we need to go through the previous four strophes to determine this? What purpose do they serve? From what I gather, they don't contribute anything to the final line, which ought to be the first line in your revision.


Best,
Brad

First off, I really loved the last line. The paper and paint brush part added a nice touch.

A little bit of work is needed on the poem, though. A lot of us already have read a love poem. Most of us wrote love poems, too. You have to make your love poem more distinct. Try to show more reasons why the narrator feels that way.

The word choice is good. Coxes, engulfs, etc.

Lastly, welcome to YWS. This was a nice read and pretty decent entry.

Hope to read more of your work-
Summerless <3~

Hello, there! Welcome to YWS!

I apologize if I repeat anything, but I usually just review straight through.

My stubborn lover,
my mistress at heart--
she [s]coxes [/s]coaxes me on
when others [s]would [/s]depart.

He sings sweetly to me [s]sweet[/s]
when sorrow [s]would [/s]sinks in.
Oh, my dear lover,
how our passion engulfs my pen.

Too gentle to be man,
too cold to be woman--

Follow my lead, and we’ll become one
when paper and paint brush meet again.

Rhymes well, and the last lines were well put...Erm...I guess that's all I have to say...

Death

Ooo. I liked. It seems kind of mundane and normal at first, but when you roll your eyes over the structure and rythmn it's kind of pleasantly quirky.

I liked this bit:

Oh my dear lover,
how our passion engulfs my pen

It's beautifully written .......but there's no need to play around with the words so much, you shouldn't let the reader's attention slip. Certain parts seem a little ordinary. But still it was dreamy.

Hey, welcome to the site!


My stubborn lover,
my mistress at heart
she coxes me on
when others would depart.

I would put a comma after 'heart' and remove the 'would' on the last line to increase the pace. We never need unnecessary words

He sings to me sweet
when sorrow would sink in.
Oh my dear lover,
how our passion engulfs my pen.

The 'in' seems a bit unneeded and the 'my pen' I think is random. I don't understand that bit.

Too gentle to be man
too cold to be woman

A semicolon after 'man'. Also, join these two stanzas

sweet,
tender,
and unforgiving.

Nice bit of writing here, but I find it a little cliche. I would recommend put in some great similies and metaphors here to express this.

Follow my lead and we’ll become one
when paper and paint brush meet again.

Comma after first line, it flows better. Paintbrush is one word, but I think the 'paint' is bulk and slows it down.

Impressions: Not a bad try, just remember to put in some great imagery to express your bare points.

-Mark

Hi Because ,

welcome to the site. I really enjoyed reading this. Very unique.

There are three places I'd change just to help the flow. They've already been pointed out by OverEasy and Rickage. The funny thing is the sae suggestions to change it they made popped into my mind as well, so maybe they're worth a try? (Except for the fact that I'd use when sorrow sinks in instead of when it stinks in. I believe that was a little typo )

Hmmm... about the telling thing Vernon mentioned. I see what he means, but I don't know any quick-fixes for that. You'd have to do a rewrite to change it, but in my eyes your poem is nice the way it is, so you don't need to.

Lovely work!

~Kalliope

It is unique in some ways, but you make a grave error, you tell us, rather than showing us. You should always show instead of tell. It's merit is uniqueness, but since it's not shown, it doesn't speak to anyone but the writer.

Overall: With work this could be much much better, really hope this helps. Welcome to YWS.

Good luck
VSN

Thanks very much for the reviews
I'm considering some of the advice
I can't express how happy it made me that no ones hated it yet.

Thank you again for the reviews and for being so nice about it.

Hello, Because. . I really like your poem. I love the repition you used in this. I also really like your rhythm and rhyming. I think you should extend this, though. Make it a bit longer.

when sorrow would sink in.

how our passion engulfs my pen.

I really like this! It's really good. XD I like the "paintbrush and pen" analogy. I thought it was well written! I agree. You should change that one line. But, I thought it was ingenous and creative! Sorry that I can't be more helpful!

Jamie

This is beautiful my dear, and I am not saying that just because I am your friend either. The only one thing I would change is this little line here.

when others would depart.